Little Bit of Friday Fun

We’re going off-topic a bit today, but who can blame us? It’s a beautiful 75 degree day, no one in Europe is working this month, our Frankfurt schedule is packed, and the resurgent St. Louis Cardinals are in the thick of pennant race. (Can’t get my hopes up yet . . .)

So instead of anything serious about world literature, I want to share some priceless quotes from the funniest thing I’ve read in years—a handwritten, $63,000,000,000 billion dollar lawsuit against Michael Vick that came out a few days ago.

A pdf file of the entire filing is available here, but for your enjoyment only here’s a brief summary:

Jonathan Lee Riches is suing Michael Vick for $63,000,000,000 billion dollars (why he repeats the “billion” is beyond me, but only the tip of the crazy) for allegedly stealing two pit bulls for use in dog fighting. OK, logical enough. We all know Vick is in some deep shit for this already, but then things get a little odd.

Mr. Vick sold my dogs on EBay Auction, and used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran Government.

Michael Vick continued to harass me on May 4th, 2007 by stealing my Identity from my coat. My Identity was used to open new store account cards to petsmart and doggiewarehouse to purchase food for Mr. Vick’s illegal dog fighting operation.

As if this couldn’t get any more odd, we hit clause 4:

On Feb 10th, 2007 Michael Vick plead Allegiance to Al-qaeda

Michael Vick subjected me to microwave testing

Michael Vick used drugs in school zones

Michael Vick is in the business of illegal steroids

And to finish it all off

Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.

I’m sure professional athletes and celebrities get stuff like this all the time, but still, it makes me chuckle. Especially when today another crazy handwritten lawsuit from Jonathan Lee Riches came out, this time against Barry Bonds .

Riches, who is doing a decade in prison for fraud, is at it again, this time filing a loony—though quite funny—complaint again Barry Bonds, baseball commissioner Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron’s bat. In his lawsuit, Riches, pictured in the below mug shot, weaves an intricate conspiracy theory involving television ratings, steroids, the cracking of the Liberty Bell, Colombian narco-terrorists, and secretly recorded conversations for which journalists Robert Novak and Judith Miller have transcripts.