Emotion Regulation

The foundation of meditation is the ability to observe one’s inner experience with self-compassion. This is key to regulating feelings in times of distress, as well as maintaining a daily meditation practice.

First, pause. Emotions live in the body, not the mind, so notice your physical sensations. Is your energy low or high? Is your breathing slow or fast? Are your thoughts foggy and slow, racing, or clear? Bring awareness to any areas of tension, a racing heart, upset stomach, hot face, or sweaty palms. Observe any feelings of exhaustion, teary eyes, crying, or numbness. Accept these sensations rather than fighting against their existence.

Now that you have recognized what is happening physiologically, give the experience a name, like guilt, anxiety, fear, anger, or sadness. If you struggle to label it, try the Emotion Wheel as a guide.

Notice when you are outside your window of tolerance. When you’re not in a state of clear thinking, or your emotions feel too intense to process, you are in too much distress to process your feelings at the present moment. Once you’re in your window, you can begin to unpack the emotions.

If you feel flooded, overwhelmed, unable to think, exhausted, numb, disconnected, foggy, or distant, you may be in a hypo-arousal state. Try different strategies to bring you back to your body and distract yourself. Try a cold shower, holding an ice cube, using aromatherapy, or engaging in exercise.

If you feel a panic attack, heart racing, feeling the need to run, sweating, or difficulty taking a deep breath, you may be in a state of hyperarousal. Try calming and distracting strategies such as getting cold air on your face, using a heavy blanket, aromatherapy, or cuddling a pet.

See more hypo- and hyper-arousal strategies.

If you can notice your emotions, think clearly, and not feel overwhelmed by the emotion, you are in your window of tolerance.

Once in your window of tolerance, investigate your emotions with gentle curiosity, utilizing any of the following practices:

1. Ask yourself silently: What is my current emotion? What factors might contribute to this feeling? What is my emotion asking for? How can I meet this need?
2. Listen to a RAIN meditation, which also guides you through the process of recognizing, allowing, investigating, and nurturing your feelings.
3. Journal about the emotionally charged experience, your emotions, your physical sensations, thoughts that arise, and your urges (urge to drink, urge to shop, etc.).
4. Go on a silent walk, clean, do the dishes, or perform another manual task with no headphones. Listening to music, a podcast, or an audiobook can block thoughts from entering our awareness. Allow yourself to think through the situation without distraction. The physical nature of performing a task, going for a walk, or finishing a chore can facilitate this process.
5. Talk through the events, thoughts, and emotions with a loved one, licensed therapist, or spiritual advisor.

Once you’ve entered your window of tolerance, sat in your uncomfortable emotions, and processed your thoughts and feelings, it is normal to feel more tired than usual. Feeling your feelings and thinking through your thoughts, rather than blocking them out, is hard work.

Comfort yourself as you may soothe a small child. In what ways have you been comforted in the past? When do you feel most comforted or supported? It may be walking to a coffee shop as a small reward. It may be taking a hot bath with a good book. It may be watching a movie, wrapped up in a soft blanket. Consider what is soothing to you personally and take a well-deserved break.

Mindfulness is a skill best learned through the structured practice of meditation—think of mindfulness as similar to building up muscle. Picking up a couple of weights every few months is good, but you make far more progress with a regular strength routine you maintain throughout your life. By maintaining a meditation practice, you are more easily able to pick up the heavy weight of intense emotions with nonjudgmental awareness and curiosity.