Do you have a question about sexual health? Submit your own question to our Sexpert!
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, and it is always best to talk with your primary care provider if you are concerned about your health. To make an appointment with your primary care provider at UHS, call (585) 275-2662.
Submission: I am gay and on the autism spectrum. I am hoping to enter a relationship but I have a few issues going into this. First, I can’t deal with human contact as it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Second, I am self-conscious about my stimming and am worried about what a potential partner might think of me for it? Lastly, I have never experienced any sexual intimacy so I worry how my stimming would impact that.
Generally, it seems like clear communication and boundary setting will help you out a lot! It is great to hear that you are aware of some things that make you uncomfortable and have thought about what might make you nervous or self-conscious. This will be helpful in being able to effectively communicate your needs and boundaries to others.
First, since you know that human contact makes you uncomfortable, communicating this to any potential partners is going to be important in reducing your nerves about being with someone. It might be a good idea to bring this up to any potential partners before going on dates or seeing them so that you can avoid an uncomfortable situation. This could sound something like, “Hey, I wanted to let you know that physical touch makes me uncomfortable, so I would really appreciate if we can avoid that for the time being.” Until you see how things go with this new potential partner, you could choose to leave it at that, or you could choose to expand further to talk more about your boundaries. Overall, it is important to be clear about your boundaries and equally as important that others respect those boundaries fully.
As for your second question about what a partner might think about your stimming, I wish I could give you a quick fix to ease your worry. However, hopefully with some solid communication you can begin to lessen your nerves. Depending how comfortable you feel doing so, you may wish to disclose to a potential partner that you are self-conscious about your stimming before you start seeing them. Letting them know of this ahead of time could help you feel less concerned with what they may be thinking in the moment that it happens. Keep in mind that you do not have an obligation to do this, but if you think it will help you feel less worried, then it is something to consider. Ultimately though, if someone thinks less of you or thinks that your stimming reflects poorly on you as a person, regardless of whether you told them beforehand or not, then they are probably not the right person to have in your life.
And lastly, I can’t predict for sure how stimming will affect sexual intimacy for you personally, but I would go back to the same points made above. If you are with someone who you are able to trust and who you feel comfortable around, you might find that these worries start to lessen or go away. The person you are choosing to be intimate with should want to be with you, and shouldn’t make you feel bad or embarrassed. The experience of sexual intimacy should be enjoyable for everyone involved! If there is ever a time that you are just not enjoying yourself or are uncomfortable, you have every right to stop what you are doing. Consent can be revoked at any time, even if you initially were on board for whatever it is.
You really seem to be on the right track with proactively thinking about what will help you feel the most comfortable and enjoy dating the most! I am confident that with some solid communication and boundary setting, you will be able to alleviate some of your worries about dating and sexual intimacy.