Do you have a question about sexual health? Submit your own question to our Sexpert!
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, and it is always best to talk with your primary care provider if you are concerned about your health. To make an appointment with your primary care provider at UHS, call (585) 275-2662. To make an appointment the the University Counseling Center, call (585) 275-3113.
Submission: How can I feel safe having sex again after past abuse?
The most important thing I want to point out is that you are allowed and deserve to take the time you need to feel safe again. There is no timeline that works for everyone, and you should be the one to decide when you are ready to have sex again.
When it comes to your interactions with potential future partners, it is very important to have open communication and be explicit in what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. Ideally you will be able to build some trust with that person before having sex, which might help you feel more comfortable exploring how you feel about having sex with them. Think about boundaries you may wish to have with your partner, how you will communicate when you are uncomfortable, and how you would like your partner to respond. Sharing these things with them will help ensure that you are on the same page about expectations, which can help both of you feel more comfortable.
It may be beneficial to consider talking with a therapist or counselor about how you are feeling. This will allow you to have a neutral and safe space to process your past abuse and feelings of uneasiness about sex, which may better equip you to express your wants and needs to a new partner. To schedule an initial appointment at the University Counseling Center, call (585) 275-3113. Some other organizations that may provide you with support include –
- RESTORE Sexual Assault Services – 24-hour hotline, 1-585-546-2777
- Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) – 24-hour hotline, 1-800-656-4673
- 1in6 – mission is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences live healthier, happier lives
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Many additional resources located on the Sexual Misconduct and Title IX website
Lastly, keep in mind that you deserve to feel good and experience pleasure. Putting trust in another person after past abuse can be difficult. If something doesn’t feel good, you have every right to stop and your partner should notice and listen immediately. People who have experienced abuse in their past can and do go on to have positive sexual relationships.