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Self-Compassion

“Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing. It motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we’re inadequate, but because we care”

–Dr. Kristin Neff, research psychologist and advocate of self-compassion

What is Self-Compassion?

Many of us deal with an Inner Critic, a harsh and discouraging voice of perfectionism leading to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression. We often think that this Inner Critic will motivate us to improve, but the opposite is shown to be true. Self-compassion is much more likely to lead to sustainable change, because we learn better from our mistakes, remain more encouraged, and focus more on intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivators of behavior (1, 2, 3).

To combat the Inner critic, Dr. Kristen Neff has pioneered the study of self-compassion techniques. According to Neff, self-compassion involves mindfulness vs over-identification, common humanity vs isolation, and kindness vs judgment. 

Imagine supporting a close friend who is going through a difficult time. You might try to understand that 1) your friend is not the sum of their shortcomings (mindfulness); 2) being human means we are flawed and imperfect (common humanity); and 3) we can meet our friend with comfort and kindness, rather than harsh criticism or judgment (kindness)

We can apply these same principles to ourselves, taking care of ourselves through hardship and coaching ourselves with compassion to achieve our goals.

Why Practice It?

Resilience, achieving goals despite hardship

Research indicates that the practice of self-compassion enhances resilience, the ability to cope with challenges, the determination to meet goals, and feeling effective at work (read more benefits here). College students with more self-compassion are shown to be resilient when faced with challenges, failures, and negative feedback (Madita & Widyasari, 2020). As a result, self-compassionate students are more likely to respond constructively to academic setbacks, maintain their motivation and sense of competency, have less fear of failure, and perceive their mistakes as opportunities for potential growth (4; 5).

Mental health and self image in college

Beyond achievement, people who use self-compassion are likely to have improved life satisfaction, authenticity, and more (6). With self-image as an example, more than half of college students experience weight/shape judgment. However, self-compassion may be a protective factor against disordered eating and body image concerns (7, 8). 

High self-compassion is also related to lowered anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic symptoms (9, 10). In college students, even brief self-compassion interventions are effective for decreasing feelings of depression and increasing feelings of optimism, happiness, and self-efficacy (11). Moreover, students who exhibit higher levels of self-compassion are less likely to report feelings of homesickness during their first term in college and experience fewer social adjustment issues throughout their time in college (12; 13).

Community

Those who practice self-compassion are also more likely to be kind to others, have constructive conflict resolution, and have better functioning in relationships (14, 15). It benefits the self-compassionate person as well as the people close to them, because it provides strength to continue contributing to the community. It can prevent burn-out and occupational stress, allowing health care workers, advocates, etc. to continue their work in stressful professions or environments (16, 17, 18).

Further your sense of community by joining a meditation class, meditation group, or yoga class; trying a group at UCC; joining a student organization; volunteering; or engaging with the Rochester community. You can also take smaller steps to feeling community, like working at a coffee shop instead of at home, texting a loved one, or walking in a public park. 

Myths of Self-Compassion

To learn about the myths of self-compassion in more detail, this article by Dr. Neff is a great place to start. Here are two of the most common misunderstandings about self-compassion: 

It will undermine motivation

We might feel that harsh criticism, “tough love,” or self-flagellation will motivate us. We may feel that we deserve it, or that it’s the only way to improve—however, the opposite is shown to be true. For example, some may think that self-criticism is the factor motivating them towards physical activity, but self-compassion and body appreciation is correlated with both increased physical activity and intrinsic motivation (19, 20). Self-compassion actually allows us to learn better from our mistakes and remain motivated to continue progressing (1, 2). It can transform our extrinsic motivations into intrinsic motivation (3).

Self-compassion enables us to make choices from love and care for ourselves rather than shame or fear, enhancing intrinsic motivation towards goals for sustained determination.

It’s selfish

Some people may think that self-compassion is self-indulgent or selfish. In reality, fierce compassion can help propel us to take action (21), as well as sustain our ability to care for others in the long-term (as caregivers, advocates, parents, etc.) without becoming drained or burned out (16, 17, 18).

Self-Compassion Exercises to Try

Self-Talk

Mindfulness: “This is a moment of difficulty”, “I acknowledge that…” “I’m noticing…”

  • We often ignore our emotions, barreling through the day without addressing how we feel. Alternatively, we may over-identify with our emotions (saying: “I’m just a depressed person,” or “I’ll always feel like this.”). We can allow the emotions to be present without overidentifying with them. For instance, “I’m noticing my chest feels tight, I’m sweating, and my thoughts are racing right now. I’m anxious in this moment, and it’s temporary.” Look at the Emotion Regulation page for more on acknowledging and investigating your feelings. 

Common humanity: “How human of me to feel this way”, It’s normal to…” “It’s human to…”

  • Recall your common humanity to reduce feelings of isolation. All humans feel unpleasant emotions like sadness, shame, jealousy, anxiety, and anger, and experiencing them is an inevitability of life. E.g., “Jealousy is a normal part of being a human. I’m not alone in this feeling.”

Kindness: “May I be kind to myself”, “It makes sense that…” “Of course I feel…”

  • We often get upset at ourselves for being upset—the inner critic says things like “It’s dumb to cry over this” or “I hate feeling this way.” We can forgo this self-judgment and replace it with kindness. E.g., “It makes sense that I’m sad about failing my test. My academics are important to me,” or, “Of course I’m upset about a breakup.” Often, the uncomfortable emotions will lessen in intensity or dissipate more quickly when we investigate and nurture them, rather than push against them.
Physical

Touch and body awareness, even when coming from oneself, can be distressing for some. Engage only if this is soothing to you. If you notice your stress increasing with these exercises, please stop and try another self-soothing exercise. 

Hand on heart

  • Sometimes we just want physical soothing, like a hug from a loved one. Even if there is no one around, we can remember that we are our own resource of comfort. Place your hand on your heart, feeling the weight of it on your chest. If you like, pair it with an affirmation like “I am safe,” “I am okay,” “All is well,” etc.

Self-hug

  • You can also hug yourself, place your hand on your face, or try other physical forms of self-soothing. Self-soothing touch is shown to reduce cortisol, the “stress hormone” of the body (22).

Self-parent

  • Soothe yourself as you would a small child: warm fuzzy blanket, cup of hot cocoa, thick socks, lavender scents or a vanilla candle. Get your favorite comfort food and put on your favorite movie or music. Call a loved one or spend time with a pet. Show tenderness to yourself.
Written

Letter to self from compassionate friend

  • Take some time to reflect on what is heightening your self-criticism. Imagine a  loved one who knows your strengths and flaws. Write a letter to yourself from their perspective.

Maintain self-compassion daily journal

  • Note what created any self-doubt, shame, or other negative thoughts towards yourself. Identify what contributed to these experiences, and then write through the lenses of mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness to identify the self-compassion you can give yourself.
Auditory

Metta/Loving-Kindness Meditation 

  • Keep the following phrase written somewhere so you can remember it: “May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease.” Repeat at least three times. Follow a 5-minute loving-kindness meditation that sends love to yourself, and then to those around you. Some are also available on YouTube and Spotify

Listen to a number of self-compassion meditations

 

RAIN meditation 

  • RAIN meditations guide you as you Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture your emotions. Listen to recorded meditations here. 
Mindful University Project Resources
  • Meditation Classes. The Calming U classes heavily incorporate self-compassion. 
  • Peer-Led Guided Meditations, including a Loving-Kindness meditations and the topic “Inviting Self-Love.” 
  • Much more, including yoga, qigong, half-day retreats, and mindful eating events. Learn about offerings by following the Project’s Instagram and monthly newsletter. 
On-Campus Resources
  • Working with a licensed mental health professional can provide a safe environment to practice emotion regulation and self-compassion skills with individualized guidance. You can schedule an appointment at the University Counseling Center (UCC), attend a UCC group that fits your specific needs, or find an off-campus counselor.
  • Connect with the CARE Network. The CARE staff is there to coordinate the best pathways of support for your unique situation. Submit a referral to access support (for either yourself or someone else), or explore their Resource Center to find what on-campus resource may be a good fit for you.”
Resources to Discover Self-Compassion

Podcasts

Videos 

Free Readings

Practices to Try at Home

Meditation Apps

Self-Care Apps

References

  1. Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.
  2. Moffitt, R. L., Neumann, D. L., & Williamson, S. P. (2018). Comparing the efficacy of a brief self-esteem and self-compassion intervention for state body dissatisfaction and self-improvement motivation. Body Image, 27, 67-76.
  3. Kotera, Y., Taylor, E., Fido, D., Williams, D., & Tsuda-McCaie, F. (2023). Motivation of UK graduate students in education: Self-compassion moderates pathway from extrinsic motivation to intrinsic motivation. Current Psychology, 42(12), 10163-10176.
  4. Neff, K. D., Hsieh, Y. P., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and identity, 4(3), 263-287.
  5. Smeets, E., Neff, K., Alberts, H., & Peters, M. (2014). Meeting suffering with kindness: Effects of a brief self‐compassion intervention for female college students. Journal of clinical psychology, 70(9), 794-807.
  6. What is self-compassion? (n.d.) Self-Compassion: Dr. Kristen Neff. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#research-on-self-compassion 
  7. Murray, K., Rieger, E., & Byrne, D. (2013). A longitudinal investigation of the mediating role of self-esteem and body importance in the relationship between stress and body dissatisfaction in adolescent females and males. Body image, 10(4), 544-551.
  8. Braun, T. D., Park, C. L., & Gorin, A. (2016). Self-compassion, body image, and disordered eating: A review of the literature. Body image, 17, 117-131.
  9. Egan, S. J., Rees, C. S., Delalande, J., Greene, D., Fitzallen, G., Brown, S., … & Finlay-Jones, A. (2022). A review of self-compassion as an active ingredient in the prevention and treatment of anxiety and depression in young people. Administration and Policy in Mental Health and Mental Health Services Research, 1-19.
  10. Winders, S. J., Murphy, O., Looney, K., & O’Reilly, G. (2020). Self‐compassion, trauma, and posttraumatic stress disorder: A systematic review. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy, 27(3), 300-329.
  11. Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. L., & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of research in personality, 41(1), 139-154.
  12. Terry, M. L., Leary, M. R., & Mehta, S. (2013). Self-compassion as a buffer against homesickness, depression, and dissatisfaction in the transition to college. Self and Identity, 12(3), 278-290.
  13. Kyeong, L. W. (2013). Self-compassion as a moderator of the relationship between academic burn-out and psychological health in Korean cyber university students. Personality and individual differences, 54(8), 899-902.
  14. Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J., & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationships: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness, 12, 1078-1093.
  15. Marshall, S. L., Ciarrochi, J., Parker, P. D., & Sahdra, B. K. (2020). Is self‐compassion selfish? The development of self‐compassion, empathy, and prosocial behavior in adolescence. Journal of research on adolescence, 30, 472-484.
  16. Crego, A., Yela, J. R., Riesco-Matías, P., Gómez-Martínez, M. Á., & Vicente-Arruebarrena, A. (2022). The benefits of self-compassion in mental health professionals: A systematic review of empirical research. Psychology Research and Behavior Management, 2599-2620.
  17. Szoke, D., Lancaster, C., & Hazlett-Stevens, H. (2023). Relationships between burnout, secondary traumatic stress, mindfulness, and self-compassion in victim advocates. Violence against women, 29(12-13), 2551-2568.
  18. Abdollahi, A., Taheri, A., & Allen, K. A. (2021). Perceived stress, self-compassion and job burnout in nurses: the moderating role of self-compassion. Journal of Research in Nursing, 26(3), 182-191.
  19. Cox, A. E., Ullrich-French, S., Tylka, T. L., & McMahon, A. K. (2019). The roles of self-compassion, body surveillance, and body appreciation in predicting intrinsic motivation for physical activity: Cross-sectional associations, and prospective changes within a yoga context. Body image, 29, 110-117.
  20. Wong, M. Y. C., Chung, P. K., & Leung, K. M. (2021). The relationship between physical activity and self-compassion: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 12, 547-563.
  21. Germer, C. (2020, Oct 11). The near and far enemies of fierce compassion. Mindful Academy Solterreno. https://mbsr.website/news/near-and-far-enemies-fierce-compassion 
  22. Dreisoerner, A., Junker, N. M., Schlotz, W., Heimrich, J., Bloemeke, S., Ditzen, B., & van Dick, R. (2021). Self-soothing touch and being hugged reduce cortisol responses to stress: A randomized controlled trial on stress, physical touch, and social identity. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 8, 100091.
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